Aries New Moon: A Catalyst For Rapid Change

 
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Sunday April 15th marks both an Aries New Moon and Mercury stationing direct. A few days later Chiron stations 2 degrees Aries and Saturn moves into his retrograde. This makes for a week of astrological weather that is set to knock everyone in their ass and shake up the status quo. 

Buckle up, buttercup

If you've been behaving yourself, working hard and flexing that integrity then this is likely to spell a very productive time. If you have been trying to screw the little guy or control situations for your own personal benefit chances are your shady ass behavior will be illuminated and the world will see you for you and what you are. 

But this is cool, because at heart we are all capable of being good people which means that if something comes to the forefront and we catch some shit it provides the foundation upon which we can make some changes. 

And change is very much what this week is going to be about.

Chiron moving into Aries along with this new moon in Aries gives us the fire to go after what we want. To look around and ask "is this what I want" and then take action towards making the vision we see one we jive with.  Chiron in Aries helps us to turn our wounds into catalysts for change. 

Aries is a spunky energy. Its a "get out of my way, I've got shit I want" type of energy. Its a fantastic energy for creating movement but its also a selfish energy. Aries wants what it wants when it wants it. Its not likely that someone harnessing Aries energy is going to stop and consider how their actions will impact others. Like an infant that wants its late night feeding

Aries doesn't give a shit who he has to wake in the middle of the night or barrel over to get to what he or she is after. Aries simply sees something that tickles their fancy and off they go with nary a thought more. For this reason we often perceive Aries energy as being impulsive and it can be-Aries acts now and thinks later. 
We will want to temper this potential because while Mercury is stationing direct we still have another two weeks before the messenger of the Gods is out of its shadow phase. This means that while the energy feels freer than it did during this tense to the point of ass clenching Mercury Retrograde we are still not out of the woods and need to be mindful of the choices we make and any major decisions on the horizon. 

Slow down, tiger

This Aries energy, especially as it relates to Chiron in Aries on the 17th and also Saturn turning retrograde, is going to highlight our impetuous behaviors. Those who tend to operate from this place as a baseline (people like the little orange demagogue in the White House, for example) are going to be on fire-so much so they may spontaneously combust when they go too far.
Expect a firestorm of tweets from the Cheeto in chief.  Not surprisingly, the day of the Aries new moon, Former CIA director James Comey's interview airs (*cough, cough* the calling out of shady ass behavior I mentioned...). 

On a personal level this week is a time for us to get serious about what we want for ourselves.

For most of us who do not operate from a self absorbed, impetuous baseline, a little sacred selfishness is the exact flavor our pallet craves. We have a fresh opportunity to get creative with what we desire for life and the changes we need to make to become the person capable of building that life. 

The person who built what we left behind before Sunday's new moon is not going to be the person who builds the life we desire after it. This means we need to work at breaking the habit of being ourselves. Sure there are some way too aspects of the self that can come along for the ride but we will need to cultivate brand new ways of perceiving if want to build something new. 

The good news is that Aries is anything if not inventive meaning that we will have no shortage of creative ideas from which to draw inspiration. And inspired action is the best action. 

What changes are you looking to make to your life as we enter Aries season and expand into the change unfolding around us? What blocks your path? Lets set up your personal one-on-one Intuitive Tarot reading to give you clarity on not just what is ahead for you but what magic you can make with it. 

 

Full Moon Libra: Emotional Balance

 
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The Full Blue Moon in Libra on the 31st is an opportunity for digging into our feelings. To explore where the arrow of our emotions points. To what they are trying to tell us. The emphasis is on balance. How we manage our day to day. How we manage our relationship with others. How we hold space for ourselves even amongst the bustle of our lives. We are looking at the space between us and all the other shit that fills our lives. We are now looking closely at what matters and what is petty and needs to be released. Freeing that space for something more important. 

When we are off balance we find ourselves easily leaning into anxiety, overwhelm and freneticism. We struggle with holding our boundaries and easily give everything we have, and even some of what we do not, to anyone who comes calling. We are stifled in our capacity to receive, to create. 

When in the flow of equity, however, we find we are tapped into the very essential essence of the present moment. To our connection with this experience and both our inner and outer world. We find that we do not need to be controlled by our emotions and nor do we cling to outdated narratives that wreak havoc across our lives. 

As the energy of this lunar transit unfolds in the coming 2 weeks we learn that balance is not a destination but an ever unfolding process. It is learning to work with the changing tides rather than cling to our life raft. And its in this total receptivity and adaptability that we foster the deepest awareness. 

The awareness that the expansion blooming for each and everyone of us only comes if we tend to the seeds planted now. The seeds that will be the very vegetation which sustains and nourishes us in the coming 6 months. These are the seeds of awareness. Awareness of our relationship to balance. Of our relationship to ourself. Our relationship to what matters and what doesn't.

There is much which is changing. The person looking back at you in the mirror today is going to be a stranger by this time 6 months from now. Each and every one of us holds massive potential in the great unfolding taking place but it does come at a cost. A sacrifice of all that does not serve. That holds us back. That inhibits our ability to connect with what truly is aligned.

And its here, in this honest awareness that we find the very essence of balance. The essence that allows us to receive both the width and the length of this experience.  

 

March Tarotscopes: A Month of Momentum

 
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The Month of March presents an influx of energy that draws a heavy amount of attention to how we personally show up in our lives. This is highlighted both actively and inactively with special attention placed on our healing and the journey we have been on since Chiron entered Pisces in 2011.

We start first with a full moon in Virgo.

This transit carries with it some Lion (Leo) energy with it as well so expect to see passion playing a role in the way in which we evaluate what is transpiring for us. Virgo is a perfectionist energy so this transit is going to highlight the details. Those tiny particles that comprise the totality of our life. We especially will see this energy playing out in our relationships. Are we happy in our relationships? Do we trust the person that we are with. Are we prepared to do the work that needs doing or is it time to throw in the towel?

Devil In The Details

If this transit happens to gloss over your relationship then this Virgo energy is going to offer up an opportunity for grounding us in the day to day of our lives. Because of the heavy influence of Aries energy this month we are encouraged with this transit to get dialed into the details of what we need to do in order to make things happen in our lives. This will play out differently for each sign but the message is the same-if nothing changes, nothing changes. We must be willing to get up and get moving. To take action towards what we want.

And of course this brings us to the very real need for clarity of vision, knowing what we want and then assessing the steps, large and small, that are required for us to get from point A (where we are) and point B (where we wish to be).

Adding to this energy is Mercury turning retrograde on March 22nd. Though it is separate from the full moon and occurs later in the month there is a correlation because of the active level of the energy of month asking us to get dialed into where our focus is needed, the steps we need to take in these areas and, with the Mercury Retrograde, what we can reassess, fine tune or do over in these areas.

Lastly this full moon has interplay with Saturn’s energy reminding us both of any limitations placed upon us with the events transpiring March 1st and the two week window thereafter, as well as the stability Saturn tries to impart. Be sure that any promises made around this time are promises you are prepared to keep, both to yourself and anyone else.

Mars enters Capricorn on March 17th

This sets us on a journey of great movement and momentum. This is the time for us to take all of those details, all those steps we sussed out at the beginning of the month and put them to work. This means getting up and getting dirty. It means putting ourselves out there and stepping outside, far outside, our comfort zone. It also means ample energy and daring capacity to leap out on the ledge. This is a very powerful time when we can see a surge in momentum as we make our way towards our goals.

As mentioned Chiron has been traveling through Pisces since 2011. This has been a fantastic healing journey that has opened us up to the deep wounds, vulnerabilities and capacity for love within. This has served as our moment to step into the role of teacher and creator as we found our wounds had so much to share with us and thus we had so much to share with the world. This transit is coming to a peak on the 4th, 5th and again on the 18th and 19th of March. This is a transit that will not occur again until 2060 so it's sort of a big deal to pay attention to our journey, what we’ve learned and how we can apply this to our sharing with the world.

Lets get deeper with March’s Tarotscopes

This month I used the beautifully designed The Fountain Tarot deck.

Aries

The Fountain card reminds you, Aries, of the connection between the micro and the macro. This is an energy of interconnectedness. How what transpires within us also transpires beyond us. How our inner process impacts the outer process. This month you are encouraged toy with the concept of interconnectedness while also embracing its limitlessness. There is a great responsibility that comes with knowing we are part of the whole but also a great awareness that there is nothing beyond our reach when we expand our vision to this level.

Taurus

The 3 of Wands is a card of building. It's a card of vision. Its a card of knowing what is wanted and planning out the steps towards making that happen. There is a quality of being a visionary where this energy is concerned. We have the foresight to see what we want in our lives and though it may still be off in the distance we are intent on taking our skills, our tools and all resources at our disposal to laying the pathway so we can easefully get what we are after.

Gemini

The 6 of Coins has a distinct energy of both charity and celebration. Though these two energies may not seem to go hand in hand in the case of the 6 of Coins we find that there is something to celebrate whether we are the one giving the charity or the ones receiving the charity. If we are on the receiving end we can celebrate the sweet relief that comes when someone helps us in a moment of tension. The freedom from that tension and anxiety can feel like we are suddenly 50 lbs lighter. When we are on the giving end we celebrate the ability to give to those who need our support. Though we all have something to give regardless of whether that comes in the form of currency or not, the ability to give support reminds us of all the ways in which we are blessed. Which then brings us down to the most distilled idea of the 6 of Coins, this month, Gemini, you experience first hand just how blessed you really are.

Cancer

The 9 of Cups is a favorite card of mine as its energy is positive, celebratory and just all around good times. Specifically the 9 of Cups is known as one of the two wish cards (the Star card is the other) of the Tarot. When I see this card it's clear that something you have wished for, worked for and put your effort into is coming to fruition. This gives you the opportunity for celebrating your hard work and the achievement of what you’ve long sought. Additionally its a time for others to celebrate you and come out in support and for you to show your appreciation for all of those who see the good in you and your success.

Leo

This is a month of partnership, Leo. The 2 of Cups is all about the symbiotic relationship between two separates. It may be the bridging of two, seemingly, disparate ideas, or it could literally mean the joining of two people. Yes, this could bode very well for your relationships and may portend the arrival of a new lover or evolution to the next stage in an already existing relationship. It may also be a time when you find business partnership highlighted. The idea with the 2 of Cups, regardless of the nature of the union, is that through our partnerships we find our experience is made richer and more expansive.

Virgo

Stability is the theme for March and you are interested in creating more of it. The 10 of Coins highlights the work we do to impart strength to the foundation of our lives. It's the building blocks that comprise the whole. To get more specific this energy is going to help you with doing the work, making the changes and otherwise creating habits that build the integrity of your foundation for generations to come. The energy of the 10 of Coins is expansive. Its long term. It's not about just getting by in the moment but building something that can support generation after generation.

Libra

The King of Swords is not an individual to trifle with. He sees through the bullshit and passes swift and thorough judgment. He is disinterested in emotional marketing and ploys to circumvent logic. He doesn't want to hear your excuses about why something happened, rather he wants to know what you are going to do about it. This month you are either playing ball with someone who embodies these traits or you will find these traits your most useful allies. This is a month when a healthy level of detachment from emotions will best serve you in your interactions with others.

Scorpio

The anxiety that keeps you up in the dark of night, biting your nails and worrying about what is going to happen is the very domain of the 9 of Swords. It's the deep psychological fear that keeps us in place, unable to move for fear that the monsters are real. What we find, however, is that often it's our perception of our situation and not the reality of it which keeps us in place when the 9 of Swords presents itself. A sign that we are working things up to such extremes within our minds and not necessarily seeing clearly. The medicine here is to begin to take small but certain steps to bring a sense of relief to your situation. You may not control all outcomes but you do control how you handle your time between. Surprisingly when we fear not having enough money to pay our bills something as simple as canceling unnecessary subscriptions or creating a simple working budget can bring a great deal of relief. These small steps help us get close enough to see that the monsters are far smaller, and far less fearsome than we perceived.

Sagittarius

Something this month is not what it appears to be. The Moon is a card of illusion and deception. The projection of fears and anxieties that makes causes uncertainty and thus renders us unable to move forward in a situation within our lives. We may be engaging in this form of self deception or we could find that there is something or someone in our lives that isn't what it appears on the surface. Situations that seem promising this month may fall apart. Something we fear heading into March may prove completely unimportant by months end. Someone who talks a good game and presents an impressive facade may be more self-serving than thought. The medicine is to be mindful of illusions at play and to proceed carefully and with keen attention to all details. If it seems amiss, chances are you need to get more information before casting a final choice.

Capricorn

The 3 of Swords is a card of heartbreak and betrayal. Feeling as though you have been stabbed in the heart and in so doing all trust is broken. I see this card often in triangular relationships when infidelity is an issue. It can also point to signs of tension and betrayal in other partnerships such as with business. The idea behind this card is that regardless of the nature of the betrayal there is something powerful taking place under the surface. Some of life's best and most important lessons come packaged as painful experiences.

Aquarius

The Page of Cups encourages you to take a fresh approach to an old issue, Aquarius. The Page of Cups is a youthful, carefree and romantic energy. An intuitive and creative energy that offers clues to new avenues available. The saying is if nothing changes, nothing changes and this month the Page if offering you a fresh perspective that can clear the path ahead. Listen to your intuition this month and allow some room for exploring your intuitive “pings”. You will find your broadcast is so strong this month that you are receiving insight and illumination in a variety of ways. Follow their path.

Pisces

I love the Strength card. Though when we really focus on it we see that often times when we need strength the most its when life is difficult there still is something so empowering about knowing we have the strength needed to see our way through. Strength is one of those nebulous concepts-sometimes it comes packaged as brute force and other times as observation and silence. Each are equally powerful in terms of their potential for transformation its simply knowing which is needed and when. The most important aspect of this card, Pisces, is to know that strength is always with you. It's not something that packs its bags and heads off without you but is always within waiting for you to call on it. And even when you think you’ve tapped out your reserves rest assured there is plenty more within waiting to serve you.

Full Moon Virgo: The Sum of Our Parts

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March 1st welcomes a full moon in Virgo. The Virgo energy reminds us to pay attention to where we put our focus. The Tarot card associated with this transit is the 4 of Cups meaning that we will be highly influenced by our focus, perception and attention. The energy of the 4 of cups is one of feeling forlorn. We may want something that seems out of reach or feel that we are missing out on something. In truth it's our perception that needs adjusting.

While we may find things coming to a head with this Virgo full moon that do not align with what we desire this doesn't mean that all is for naught. Our perception is likely to swing to such a perspective but this is misleading. We will need to exercise great discipline to steer ourselves not just on what might be missing (and there is medicine there, still) but also on what we have working in our favor.

Get Passionate About The Details

This transit carries with it some Lion (Leo) energy with it as well so expect to see passion playing a role in the way in which we evaluate what is transpiring for us.

Virgo is a perfectionist energy so this transit is going to highlight the details. Those tiny particles that comprise the totality of our life. We especially will see this energy playing out in our relationships. Are we happy in our relationships? Do we trust the person that we are with. Are we prepared to do the work that needs doing or is it time to throw in the towel?

If this transit happens to gloss over your relationship then this Virgo energy is going to offer up an opportunity for grounding us in the day to day of our lives. Because of the heavy influence of Aries energy this month we are encouraged with this transit to get dialed into the details of what we need to do in order to make things happen in our lives. This will play out differently for each sign but the message is the same-if nothing changes, nothing changes. We must be willing to get up and get moving. To take action towards what we want.

And of course this brings us to the very real need for clarity of vision, knowing what we want and then assessing the steps, large and small, that are required for us to get from point A (where we are) and point B (where we wish to be).

Adding to this energy is Mercury turning retrograde on March 22nd. Though it is separate from the full moon and occurs later in the month there is a correlation because of the active level of the energy of month asking us to get dialed into where our focus is needed, the steps we need to take in these areas and, with the Mercury Retrograde, what we can reassess, fine tune or do over in these areas. This transit will require flexibility, something that can feel foreign with a Virgoan energy that is often times rigid and set in its ways. At the very least know that anything taking place during this full moon will benefit from Mercury’s retrograde and the cosmic do-over it provides.

The Long Haul

Lastly this full moon has interplay with Saturn’s energy reminding us both of any limitations placed upon us with the events transpiring March 1st and the two week window thereafter, as well as the stability Saturn tries to impart. Be sure that any promises made around this time are promises you are prepared to keep, both to yourself and anyone else.

Do not offer lip service or commit to more than you are capable of handling. The tendency with Virgoan energy is to approach everything with arms stretched wide open but this is likely to leave you feeling overworked, under-appreciated and potentially resentful by months end.

The questions that should be on all our minds with this full moon in Virgo should be “what do I want and what am I willing to do about it?” This doesn't mean just simply thinking about what it would be nice to have or how nice it would feel if life were “just so” but really digging into the details of what is needed and where our attention should be. Saturn's interplay with this transit means that themes playing out during this full moon, the actions we take will have far reaching implications. Make them count.

5 Things Done Different In Healthy Relationships

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~This article was originally published on Elephant Journal. You can read it here

 

One of the things I am quite frank about is the fact that I have had my share of screw ups in the romantic department.

If there was a mistake to make, I made it. If there was something I was told I shouldn’t/couldn’t do, I did it. And I suffered a great many heartaches because of it.

I began to correlate drama and dysfunction with love and romance and nothing could be further from the truth.

Part of why I consider being a relationship specialist my calling and why I am so dang good at it is because I have been there, done that and burned the t-shirt. This includes the hard work on my relationship with love to get to where I am today.

Where am I today? Married to the man of my dreams after a long road of off and on, long distance dating with two kids and another currently taking residence (and causing me to waddle rather ungracefully around the house) in my womb.

Here is what I have discovered those in healthy relationships do differently:

1. The past cannot be erased.

Many people will tell us that we must release the past or leave the past behind us. While that is a novel idea, it’s complete and utter B.S. We will never forget or release the past, and why should we? It brought us here.

 

Everything we have encountered, whether good or bad, was a learning experience designed to aid our evolution. People in healthy relationships haven’t suddenly forgotten or “released” their wounds, they have transformed them. They have learned to honor their past and all it entailed as necessary steps to take in the ladder to their personal evolution.

They bring with them the appreciation for each moment and respect for where they have come from and what they have gone through into their current relationship. It adds a richness and depth that would otherwise be lacking if we truly had an ability to push a button and drop our pasts down the chute.

2. It’s not always 50/50.

Sometimes it’s 80/20 and that is okay. What is not okay is if it stays in this place of imbalance. We all go through things that leave us gutted or otherwise unable to be fully present in a relationship.

Instead of complaining and throwing a tantrum, those in a healthy relationship understand that sometimes we need to give a bit more while our partner puts focus on other things. It could be a job or personal issues that requires their attention. If talked about openly and honestly, then it’s okay to give a bit more while our partner’s attention is diverted elsewhere.

What is not okay is if this imbalance becomes a part of our everyday existence. One person cannot be the backbone to the entire relationship; the very definition of partnership implies the participation of another for a common goal.

3. Honesty Counts.

And, honestly, this has been the hardest part for me. As a rather independent woman who made her own money and did her own thing for so many years, it became difficult to imagine that suddenly I was supposed to share where every penny went or had to tell my partner where I was going.

My rebellious nature would kick in and “it’s none of your damn business where I’m going” flew from my mouth more than a few times. This, however, does not a healthy relationship make.

While I was playing secret squirrel, my husband was telling me about where the money he made went, into what savings, toward what household project. If he was leaving he would say where he was headed and approximately what time he would be home. It wasn’t done with the feeling that he needed to, but the feeling that it was the respectful thing to do. I took note.

When we are in a healthy partnership, it’s time to open up about these things. Whether it’s where we are headed on a Saturday afternoon or just how many new pairs of shoes we bought as we try to stuff the evidence in the closet.

It took me a long time to realize that I needn’t view it from an adolescent-like perspective and fear that someone was encroaching on my space. We can still be independent and open—those in healthy relationships get that.

4. Silence is deadly.

Still ignoring your partner when you are upset with them? Don’t! Please for the love of all that is holy do not keep up with this dangerous trend; it destroys more relationships than I can even number!

Those who are in healthy, long-term relationships understand that the key to anything ultimately boils down tocommunication.

Unless you are Paris Hilton, my guess is that nothing at all in life is going to get solved by pouting in the corner with your arms folded around your chest. There will be times when we are upset with our partner. We will argue and disagree and sometimes we may even say hurtful crap to one another.

That’s the nature of the beast. It’s how we handle those tension filled moments that determines whether we continue on the road of a happy and healthy relationship or take a detour down break up avenue.

We have to be willing to talk about what is bothering us. Is it good to sometimes wait until we have cooled our jets? Sure, no one wants to have a finger in their face and most will check out if our voice is raised.

Talking calmly, however, about what is bothering us is essential for working through issues. Our partner cannot possibly know how we feel and what to do about it unless we create a space where we each can safely share our feelings.

So stop the silent sulking and talk!

5. Separate but together.

People who enjoy reasonable health and sanity in their relationships get that a relationship cannot be that which makes their lives full but rather an addition to their already full life. So many, and yes I am looking at my ladies here, find someone they are interested in and suddenly drop their friends like hotcakes and start to devote their every waking moment to their new paramour. Then when the relationship starts to die a slow death due to a lack of space, their entire world falls apart.

When we are in a functional and healthy relationship, there is an understanding that we each must have our own goals and passions. We should have time away for ourselves to explore our own interests. Nothing is sexier than a man or woman who is passionate and capable of holding their own.

Conversely, there is no greater turn off than the stench of clingy desperation. Make your life full and explore what you love—your relationship will be all the more rich for it.

Most importantly, those who are in healthy relationships understand that it all boils down to respect and love. Respect and love for the self, for their partner and for the relationship.

There is a desire to love their partner to such a degree that they feel the ultimate freedom that comes from security.

Healthy doesn’t mean problem-free by any stretch of the imagination; my husband and I clear the emotional pipes from time to time with a good ol’ spat. But, thankfully, we have learned a few healthy habits that allows us to do so in a fashion that doesn’t undermine the integrity of the relationship.

 

3 Relationship Warning Signs

****Originally published in OM Times Magazine

When it comes to matters of the heart we can often ignore relationship warning signs that there is trouble in paradise. We deny, we turn our cheek, we bury our heads in the sand all to avoid seeing the end of a relationship; but the ending is still there, looming before us, whether we choose to accept it or not.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that we never saw it coming and perhaps this is true. The need to avoid seeing that a relationship is ending can be so strong that we never become aware of the signs. In my work as a Tarot Intuitive Counselor and Master Life Coach I have helped thousands as they made a transition within their relationship. The following three relationship warning signs are among the most prevalent when a relationship is coming to a close.

Three Relationship Warning Signs

Relationship Warning Sign #1 – You are no longer sexually aligned.

Though sexuality is often considered superficial, sexual health is extremely important in a relationship. Things wax and wane but I have counseled couples who have gone months and even years without sexually pleasing one another. Being out of alignment sexually can occur for any number of reasons but it is a major sign that there is something unbalanced in the relationship. Whether it’s mounting resentments that keep you from engaging or even resistance to connecting sexually with one another it’s important to pay attention to the sexual health of a relationship. Opening an honest and safe dialogue if you notice that things are declining in this area is crucial towards shifting the tide. This is not a time to be confrontational or use it as a pity party but to honestly discuss what is happening.

Relationship Warning Sign #2 – You are picking fights.

This is often considered to be part of the female shadow aspect but both partners fall victim to this tendency. If you are constantly picking fights, nit picking on their faults or generally being difficult to get along with this is a sign of something being out of balance. Whether you are using your partner as a scapegoat or a battering ram it’s not healthy to create conflict where no conflict need exist. Its typically a sign that you either want them to do the dirty work for you or that you are holding on to resentments and rather than dealing with things head-on you are using small, unrelated things, to unleash your frustration. It’s important to ask yourself why you are creating conflict and if there is something underneath all of this that is the root of the issue. If you realize that you are using his socks being on the floor as a scapegoat for forgetting your anniversary or that secretly you are unhappy and are hoping to make him so as well then you can begin to have a dialogue with what should come next. 

Relationship Warning Sign #3 – You feel the need to change to make your partner happy.

We are all influenced by the people we spend the most time with, this is a given. When we begin to cross the line between influence and changing who you are at your very core in order to try to appease another. It is crucial that we understand a relationship should be two WHOLE individuals coming together in a joint partnership. We cannot expect to make our relationships work or retain the relationship with the self by morphing who we are to be more appealing or desirable to another. If you find that there is a gap in the beliefs and ideals held sacred between you two then its important to examine together what this means. Are the new beliefs compatible in any way or are they mutually exclusive, leaving you two arguing more than enraging with one another?

Don’t ignore the signs; listen to your body.

This is perhaps the most important thing I will discuss in this article. I’ve touched on the fact that when we experience the declining or shifting of a relationship we have a tendency to ignore the signs that are right in front of us but it’s hard to ignore what our bodies are telling us. Much sooner than the heart or the mind, our bodies often know far in advance that something is rotten in Denmark. It’s important to listen to what our bodies are telling us. Do we tense up around our lover? Do we feel anxious or wake in the middle of the night in hot sweats? It’s very important to journal or log how you are feeling and whether your body is trying to tell you something that your heart and mind perhaps have been avoiding hearing.

Just because you see some of these signs in your relationship doesn’t mean that things are necessarily irreparable and you are destined for an ending. Provided that both of you are willing counseling, coaching and other modes of psychotherapy are incredibly helpful when fixing issues in a connection. It is not easy or painless. Our relationships are often direct models of the relationship we have with ourselves. When one sours we can invest in a bit of self-inquiry regarding the other. We have to look at how we perhaps are modeling behavior or triggering behavior within our partner that is counterproductive to a healthy relationship. Its deep business, for sure, but the fact is unless we are willing to do the hard work we cannot expect the good results.

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WHY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE TESTS OF ENDURANCE, NOT SPEED

 

I am presented with a host of relationship questions and requests asking for relationship advice. I have been asked on more than a thousand occasions about when a relationship should evolve to “the next phase”.

Sometimes they have been involved for a long time without seeing things progress and sometimes they are just meeting someone and are wondering whether it’s worth their time but in either situation, they tend to place emphasis on the pace and direction the relationship will take.

How do we know when our natural curiosity begins to veer into obsession? How do we know if we are too focused on the destination and have lost sight of the journey? If you are looking for the key signs of a healthy relationship then you’ve come to the right place. 

Keep the following factors in mind before you jump to any conclusion about the relationship you are in:

What is a relationship? 

A relationship is organic. This means that just like every plant grows differently, every outfit looks different depending on the person wearing it and every child has their own unique personality, healthy relationships too are not one-size-fits-all!

Just because your best friend got engaged after only 6 months of dating doesn't mean that you have relationship problems that will doom you to become the crazy cat lady because your boyfriend of 3 years has not yet proposed. Every healthy relationship and those within it move at their own pace and there will be times when your pace may be different than others.

Why communication is key to being in a happy relationship

Any Coach who is worth their salt will remind you to communicate. We can certainly help you to understand the path ahead and provide tips for how to shift the relationship but ultimately you need to be able to communicate your wants and needs with your partner to avoid needless relationship problems. Do not worry about their reaction. If they get mad, is it because you are asking every week or because they are avoiding the subject? Each holds a very different meaning and you need to be honest about which of the two your situation falls under.

Not every relationship will evolve

Let’s be honest, there is no clear definition of relationships and not all relationships are going to result in marriage. Whether you are involved with someone who clearly doesn't have their heart in the relationship or who treats you poorly, understanding that sometimes letting go is better than continuing to push things forward is necessary. It’s also the most difficult conclusion to come to. Where our hearts are concerned we all tend to be rather stubborn. Doing a status check to see if your relationship is toxic will help you to understand both the connection and yourself better. Relationships should be uplifting, not something which deflates you.

Patience is a virtue in healthy relationships

My husband and I have been in each other’s lives for 8 years. We have been living together for 5 of those years and married for nearly 4 of them. What does this tell you? That sometimes the best things come to those who wait and work at it! We didn't always have smooth sailing and there were periods of separation as we each grew as individuals but we made it back together. You cannot be afraid to give the room necessary so you both can explore life and learn about the self. This gives you time to grow as individuals so that there is a sense of inner love and security rather than dependence on the relationship.

Additionally things do take time. Anyone can rush into something and then potentially regret it down the road but taking your time and learning about one another allows you to build a stable foundation so that when times are tough it’s not flight instead of fight. If you have just started dating someone and already you need to know where things are going it’s time to get yourself in check. Allow romance and love to unfold and reveal themselves. Enjoy the journey!

Respect yourself

This should always be your first priority. If you have been involved with someone for a long time and they still cannot even bother to call you their girlfriend or introduce you to their family then it’s time to have a talk. If they come in and out of your life and cannot be bothered to provide a little consistency then it may be time to hit the pause button. Live and experience your life and if things come back together with them then you will know that they were meant to do so. If they don't then you will know they were not right for you in the first place. The important thing is you do not put YOUR life on hold by putting a relationship before yourself. Inner love means external love; inner respect means external respect. Teach others how to treat you by treating yourself with worth and love

One of the biggest mistakes we can make as we strive for romance and love, aside from becoming too destination focused is to sacrifice ourselves. We cannot make a relationship or another person bigger and more important than ourselves. Our needs and desires are just as important as theirs. While we may not necessarily always be on the same time frame regarding moving things forward the ability to communicate these things is pivotal.