4 Tips For Dealing With A Back And Forth Lover
Involved With A Back & Forth Lover? Those lovers who cannot manage to stay in your life consistently but instead float in and out on a schedule which fits them? They want you one moment and the next you cannot get them to return your call?
Sound familiar? I thought so.
It’s massively frustrating to be in a relationship where it’s one emotional roller coaster after another. One moment you are up, the next you are down! One moment all is right as rain and you think a corner has been turned and then the next he tells you he doesn't know what he wants. Trouble is he does know what he wants and also what he doesn't. If he wanted all of you, lock, stock, and barrel and was prepared to give as much as he took he would have done so by now. Granted, there are exceptions to this rule, and sometimes they just need a swift kick in the butt to get moving, but generally speaking if you are busy giving to a fault and he is taking all that you offer-- your giving more isn't going to change this pattern. The real kicker here, however, is not so much that they do it as it is that we allow it. We are part of the problem (GASP!). There are many out there who will take what they can get, and if they can get it without having to give back or otherwise alter their lives to make room for you and your needs, they will do that too. We end up bending over backwards because we become conditioned to believe that “something is better than nothing”, and in our minds eventually they will follow our lead and begin to tend to our needs as we tend to theirs.
Women in love tend to be doers...we want something we go for it. We see a problem; we fix it, even if it means swallowing our pride or otherwise compromising so as to keep the peace. Typically this would be an amazing quality, when employed correctly! When employed incorrectly, say for someone who cannot see to decide if they are in or if they are out, it ends up setting up a pattern where they feel quite free to come and go as they please. If you are intent on giving you feed their intent to take. If you allow them to waltz through the door after going MIA again you are inviting them to leave again.
You may not like the implication of our own involvement in this cycle but it is true none the less and harnessing the awareness of your own role in this story will help you to reverse dangerous trends.
You do not deserve someone who is around when it’s convenient for them, or when they need something. You do not deserve someone who suddenly goes MIA when you start to address the imbalance or speak of evolution between you two. You deserve someone who is going to give, as consistently and ardently, as you do. If they are not doing that then trust me, employing the same methods is not going to garner you different results.
There are ways to shift the situation. There are ways to promote change to the situation through the changes you implement within yourself. I’ve compiled a few tips for beginning the shift. These are tried and true methods that vary between long term and short term solvency to the issue of an inconsistent lover.
1) Do not let him call your bluff! If he goes MIA or otherwise develops a case of the "confused" do not draw the line in the sand, saying you will not tolerate this, only to take a few steps back when he does it, draw the line again and expect him to take you seriously this time. He WONT, and rightfully so. If he can get away with this behavior without recourse he will continue to do it.
2) Do not give to a fault. A good rule of thumb in any relationship is never to give more than you get. If he can barely muster a two sentence reply to an email do not send him a tome. If he finds that he can only take the time to call you two days after your message do not feel obligated to pick up on the first ring, or even the second or third...which is a good lead in to....
3) Do not be readily available to him all the time!!! This is especially true for when they decide to grace you with their presence after ripping the rug out from under you. You should not feel obligated to take their communication immediately. He should not be sitting back confidently feeling that you are still there, frenetically waiting for the call! That arrogance and lack of genuine fear of losing you is what is fueling his behavior to start with!
4) It’s one thing to compromise, it’s another thing to compromise yourself. You can sit back taking all of this back and forth, hot and cold on the chin but in the end you will end up bruised and mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Never place a relationship with another above the one you have with yourself. If you are not being treated with respect and fairness do not sit back and take it! You have to be your own advocate!
Navigating the landscape of a relationship is never an easy task and it’s made especially difficult in cases where you are dealing with someone who meanders in and out of your life. We all want to be with that “special” someone but ultimately we need to realize the most important and special relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. If you are being swung back and forth by a lover who doesn’t seem to respect how his (or her) actions affect you then please begin to get yourself in check. No emotion is worth losing sight of what truly matters—your health and happiness.
If you find that your relationship is taking similar twists and turns such as those described here feel free to send me an email. I would love the chance to take a look into your relationship and do a profile to help you navigate the situation. Remember: a reading should not just be prediction vomiting. Your reader should be able to provide you with tools and insight which guides you, enabling you to empower yourself and also bring about a path that suits your needs.