I woke up this morning with an insatiable need to write something though I found myself waffling over the various topics that were floating around in my head.
As is often the case I set everything up-coffee in a reasonable proximity and I cannot seem to grab one of the thoughts that are whirling around my head. So I sat with my coffee and waited for something to jump out at me and in its own way, I suppose something already had. I was having troubles deciding in my writing the same way that many of my clients waffle about in their love lives.
They wrestle with the acceptance that a relationship is over. They struggle to understand a relationship will never be what they envisioned it would be. They go toe to toe with two men, unable to choose between them.
They go through the"what if this, what if that, what if aliens steal my bike" circle so many times they find that soon they have dug a 10 ft. deep trench that they now have to find their way out of!
It’s not that they are content to stay in a place of panic mode where they frenetically climb curtains all day long! They try to get themselves out and will come in for a reading or perhaps touch base with friends to get the insight they feel they are lacking. The issue, however, seems to start right here. Because instead of saying to their reader "I need to know what is going on with me, what is blocking me" or even look towards more constructive love coaching rather than just the instant gratification "FEED ME SEYMOR" of readings they ask about "them". What do they want? What do they feel? What can I expect from them?
Don't get me wrong, these are all important questions to ask at some point or another. The issue is that it places all of the power, all of the momentum for change or making a decision dependent on someone external to them. This just propagates the cycle of indecision because while we are accounting for (or trying to, anyways) the other party we never check in with the other side: ourselves.
This is perhaps the most important side, when you think about it! We must check in to see what our role is in the patterns that are playing out in our lives. We have to be just as willing to ask questions about ourselves and what we need just as we ask our coaches and readers about our beloved. We have to be willing to see where the gap is between us and a decision we feel confident in. We have to look into why that gap exists and what it has to tell us. More often than not we are unable to decide because there is something lingering around our subconscious that's dying to say something if only we would listen.
<strong>In my love coaching I ask clients to implement the following when making a decision:</strong>
1. What is your goal? Clarifying exactly what it is that you want for your love life is crucial for making decisions regarding love and romance. How do you want to feel about your relationship? What kind of person (character traits) do you want as a partner? This self-reflection helps you to make better decisions because you are keenly aware of what you want.
2. Now that you know how you want to feel about your love life, what is that you want for your relationships and just who you want to be involved with now you can begin to set standards. When you are truly honest with yourself this can help you with eliminating choices that ultimately are not in line with the standards you set for yourself. Remember that it’s not about accepting anything with a half way decent looking penis but making sure the rest of him is also fit to take up any level of residency in your heart and life.
3. This is not about having a perfect relationship. There is no such thing as a relationship that has no kinks that require ironing out every so often. This is not about making a decision in love that leaves you feeling good ALL the time because life has a natural ebb and flow to it and it’s not going to stop on account of any of us. This is about looking around and seeing if the people who currently occupy your heart and mind are filling your emotional bank or depleting it. Do they leave you feeling panicked and confused or supported and uplifted? You can be perfectly imperfect together but they damn well better make you feel good more times than they leave you feeling like you could stay crawled into the fetal position.
4. Be mindful of your own bias. Just because you have loved someone a long time doesn’t mean they are still a right fit for you. Just because you have invested a lot of time and effort into someone doesn’t mean they treat you right or will give you the relationship that you deserve. Be attentive to the justifications and biases that you have when it comes to those who occupy your heart.
5. Do not rush into a poorly thought out decision. Whether it’s through readings or coaching or a perfect marriage of the two, if you really are struggling to come to a place of clarity begin to understand that there are those who are in a position to help you. This doesn’t mean that you should do the dollar store of life coaching or intuitive reader shopping. Evaluate who demonstrates an ability to both guide you on a way forward while helping you to understand the subtle facets of what is happening around you and why. Take time to get the clarity you need about what is going on with "them" while not neglecting to turn that microscope on yourself. The way to tell if you have a quality reader at your side to help you with this? She/he will not let you just focus on them but will guide you to look at yourself too.
6. Make relationship rules! This helps to negate making major issues out of small decisions. Will you continue to hold on if they suddenly go MIA? Will you stay with someone who you met while they were involved with another? Create rules of what you will and will not tolerate in love and when someone doesn’t fit that bill you needn’t debate whether they have a place in your heart or not.
7. Calm the eff down! Let’s be honest one of the worst mistakes that we make when we are struggling with a decision is getting worked up. It’s hard to make a decision when we are stuck in the bell jar. Rather than frenetically sending yourself into mental hell try to bring it down a notch by getting outside, spend some time in meditation, do something that distracts and uplifts you. You can come back to the decision needing to be made in a bit after you have taken it down a notch or four.
Decision making is something that some of us are quite good at and others struggle with; especially when it comes to matters of the heart. By following these steps and taking your time to do the internal work, however, you will find a place of clarity and understanding which will help you to start making healthy decisions in matters of love and relationships.