You are enjoying a wonderful date with a very good-looking guy. As far as first dates go you are totally scoring this one a win, thus far. The conversation is flowing, you feel on top of the world, you look good, feel good....he is sending you the right signals and you are in bliss. He trails off to the bathroom and suddenly you are wondering what he is thinking. Thoughts about whether there will be a second date pop in. Before you know it (and before he even got his trousers down to pee) you are wondering whether he would like a beach wedding, how your kids will look and whether or not he has an IRA so that you can both retire at the young age of 50 and sail around the world.
He comes back from the loo and no sooner sits down when he picks up something....different. He isn't aware of just what it is but suddenly you appear different to him. He feels anxious, closed off and even antsy as though he is supposed to be doing something but no instruction was ever given. He starts to think too much about what he is saying and you notice that the conversation goes from fluid to forced. You catch him looking at you out of the corner of your eye and are fear stricken when you realize he is visually dissecting you, much like school children dissect a frog.
The date ends, perhaps FAR earlier than what you hoped and there is barely even a quick peck on the cheek before he runs the hell away, leaving smoke in his wake. You don't hear from him, he doesn't call back for another date and you begin to wonder where things went wrong because you "did everything right!"
The answer is quite simple: each of us has a broadcast. We feel it from others, those around us feel it from us...its an energy emission that is impossible to ignore and even more impossible to forget, most times. Just like when you walk into a room and immediately are struck with a particular feeling (usually telling you whether you are in good or bad company) those around us pick up on our broadcast as well.
The woman in the above construct was doing everything right...that is until she started chucking the cart WELL beyond the horses and changed her broadcast to emit something far more heavy than what her date has experienced previous to his bathroom break.
Its something that happens all the time. A client has a great date, or sometimes even just a great online conversation through match.com or some other dating portal and they call into me wanting to know what he wants, where its going and what they feel. Well already you are far beyond where you should be at this point...that is what is going on. Your broadcasting a signal that says "I'M IMPATIENT FOR A COMMITMENT" and much like bridezilla who is bulldozing her own wedding you are absolutely destroying your chance at anything organic and real by becoming too destination focused.
Our broadcast has the power to attract people to us, make them feel comfortable and at ease. It also has the power to absolutely repel people, making them feel gross by simply being in our presence. When we are in the throws of a connection so new the paint isn't even dry yetwe need to be even more mindful of it. Dating should be just that...dating. There shouldn't be immediate expectation on it. We shouldn't already be envisioning what flowers will hang from our bridesmaids hands or what they will look like at 50 when we haven't even shared more than a dozen kisses, if even one!
We need to allow each person to be as they are when they are and not immediately question what role they will play in our lives. Though a bit scary, allowing things to organically develop is a truly wonderful and awe inspiring thing. Seeing the evolution from day one to day 345 (if it makes it that far) is truly spectacular.
What if it doesn't get to day 345? Water off a ducks back! Not every connection is going to be life altering nor will they all last. Each connection teaches us something about ourselves and what we want from love and sometimes on a grander scale, what we want from life. Even when something doesn't end up in marriage or children or whatever we still need to practice gratitude for the experience and the person and let it go. If you were being smart and watching that emotional broadcast, this is a very easy and natural thing to do :)
So this weekend or any week when you have a hot date, just go and be your beautiful self and don't worry about tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that....let go, let be and breathe!