You meet someone and start talking; talking turns into dating and before you know it your interest isn’t just piqued but you are beginning to feel the first seeds of emotional attachment peeking up from the ground. You notice how simpatico the two of you are; you like similar things and laugh at the same jokes. You perhaps even have gone far enough to explore the sexual chemistry that exists between you two and are equally blown away. You are amazed to have finally found someone that you feel is a real contender for a long term relationship. And then suddenly they stop asking you out as often. You notice that they take forever to reply to texts, if they reply at all. You notice how you are the one always reaching out. Perhaps you confront them; inquiring if they are still interested to which they give you a very generic statement that doesn’t hint at any problems. Yet deep down you know. You KNOW that something is amiss and that their interest doesn’t seem to be where it once was. In most cases things progress to the point where they don’t just take a while to reply to you but end up fading out completely.
I am sure that this is a scenario which is familiar to us all and now there is even a modern day term that has been coined to explain this great fade out of relationships and it’s called Ghosting. Ghosting is the slow (and sometimes out of nowhere) lack of replying or returning phone calls that occurs when someone is exiting a relationship. They are there one moment and then gone the next and it’s incredibly frustrating for many of us who have been on the receiving end.
When someone has just stopped replying we are left feeling jilted. It feels like the rug has been not just been ripped but stolen right out from under us. The natural inclination is to keep trying to wedge the door back to them open if for no other reason than to understand, to get closure. While there is no doubt that ghosting is a cowardly way to handle the end of a relationship there can be some pretty significant issues which has led someone to choose this method to leave a relationship. There are many reasons which can be quite individualized for why someone may ghost you but the following list is a good place to start when trying to understand why someone decided to fade out of a relationship.
1. He/she realized that in the long run things were not going to work.
Let’s be honest, we always put on our best mask when we first meet someone. We want to put our best foot forward and sometimes this means that parts of us are invariably hidden. As we spend more and more time together those parts of ourselves begin to show. The longer that we are with someone the more is revealed and this can be a crucial time in a relationship. Sometimes it gives our beloved more reason to love us and other times it clues us in to things that are out of alignment. Not every relationship is meant to evolve and sometimes the realization hits us that while good on the surface, the connection ultimately lacks what is needed to make it long term.
2. He/she was afraid of confrontation.
This is a given, in my opinion but also a very important aspect to the entire notion of ghosting and why it’s done. For some of us confrontation is easy peasy. We have no fear of it and in fact may even be more than willing to confront a person or situation head on. For others, however, confrontation is something which makes palms sweat, breath to hasten and stomachs to roll. For those of us who have no issue with confrontation it can be difficult to understand why someone would be so afraid of it. We have troubles relating to the idea that someone would avoid confrontation at all costs but for many people out there avoidance is all they can do.
3. You want different things.
Not all of us are after the same thing. Some of us have dreamt about our wedding and imagined what our children would be named since we were too young to even have an official boyfriend. For others, however, the notion of marriage, kids or the responsibility that comes with long term relationships isn’t a priority. Through the course of a relationship we are essential feeling out what is important to the other person and also what is not. There are times when many relationships end not because there isn’t chemistry or connection but because ultimately each wants something entirely different.
4. You scared him/her.
Now before I get nasty grams where I am blamed of blaming the “victim” let me explain. Many of us are very passionate people and there is nothing at all wrong with that. But ultimately not every person is for every person. Sometimes our passion and motivation, especially when it comes to romantic relationships can scare others away. Whether it is pushing for commitment too soon, planning out a wedding before they have even said I love you or just being too available and not giving the other person (and ultimately yourself) the room to have a life outside of the connection we all have been in a situation where our passionate nature scared someone off. Stifling who we are never a good idea, however but sometimes it is important to take things one step at a time. Slow and steady wins the relationship race.
5. They are scared.
Have you received a reading? Then I am sure that you have been told often that the person you ask about is just scared. They are running from the relationship and from their own feelings. And often times it’s sadly the generic tid bit given when a reader is not seasoned enough to tell the whole truth. Sometimes, however, it’s also incredibly true. For many, but especially men, the emotional realm is not always something they are comfortable in. Emotions are fickle, they rip us open, expose our vulnerabilities and leave us feeling either elated and over the moon or balled into the fetal position slobbering all over ourselves on the bathroom floor. The truth of the matter is that there will always be some who cannot handle strong emotions and as such will run, scared, from them.
6. Withdraw is just their MO.
For many the only real relationship that someone wants is that awesome, adrenaline filled first stage. Each of you has tons of feel good hormones coursing through your veins and there is none of the heaviness of responsibility or dealing with the annoyance that comes with everyday life together. Many people check out of a relationship after that first stage begins to wane because they have an addiction to the higher octane lust that exists in the first stage. They seek out experiences where they can replicate that and often times that elevated emotional state begins to temper as a relationship evolves. Once a relationship begins to grow and perhaps the question becomes where to go from here they will decide the only place they are going is on to the next one.
Ghosting has been around for a very long time though we called it by numerous names through the years. Nothing can change the awful way that being ghosted leaves us feeling just as nothing can offer us true closure aside that which we provide ourselves. Rather than trying to bust through the door and force them to confront you it may be best to accept that they were not right for you in the first place. Yes things may have seemed great on the surface but that is the case in most relationships. Let’s be honest the points listed here are great for offering up a fair evaluation to understand things better but there is no excuse for bad manners. If someone has chosen to run from us rather than embrace life with us that gives us a heads up to their inner workings. I personally would prefer to spend my time with someone brave enough to face things head on and determine that I and what they feel for me is more important than avoiding dealing with their issues. My hope is that many of you chose the same. I have seen it time and time again wherein obsession sets in and not only do we convince ourselves that THEY must provide us with closure but we begin to lock into the potential that we first felt was possible in the connection. It leaves us feeling depleted, emotionally barren and often times in debt as we circle through reader after reader trying desperately trying to understand or even worse hear that they are coming back.
Are they? It’s quite possible. Sometimes the break and distance created is just enough space for someone to realize that you have left an indelible mark on their lives and hearts. Sometimes, however, we need to stop inquiring and instead shut and lock the door so that we can begin to focus on someone who will love and treat us with the respect that we deserve.